So it has been awhile since I have blogged on this thing and I got a reminder from Tamara that it was about sweet time for me to update. That was awhile ago, I know, but it has not left the little corner of my brain reminding me that I need to. My kids have also missed seeing the updates and pictures and being able to go back and reminisce about the things that have made us laugh. That truly is important in our lives.
Life was hard. Maybe to others it wouldn't seem like it, but it was for me.
I have discovered that I suffer from depression...and it isn't going away. I also came to realize that in order for me to enjoy my family and life the way it was meant to be, I needed medicine. The process to find the right medicine isn't as easy as pulling a bottle of ibuprofen of the shelf and it taking care of your aches, guaranteed, to at least some level.
So, I used one for awhile, but it caused insomnia. Lack of sleep and laying awake while exhausted makes me irritable. Enough said.
Then I started in on another one, and boy could I sleep! I can't remember, but I wonder if it was around the time my dad passed away, because it took me a looooong time to realize that it wasn't just sadness about my dad passing away and my mom getting cancer. And I would have been sad and grieved, but with this medicine I was sleeping nearly every day in the middle of the day and wasn't able to take care of my family or be a part of their lives the way I wanted...oh yeah, wasn't that why I was on medicine in the first place? In many ways, it was worse than before the medicine. Recently I finally realized that I had A LOT of guilt about how that YEAR and a HALF that was lost out of my life. I think I was also finally able to own that feeling (even though I don't have to own the cause) and move on.
Finally in August I pulled myself back into my doctor's office and she tried again (and yes, I am getting a new doctor, but that is a different story). This time, bingo, it's working for me. I finally was getting dressed by a decent hour, making kids lunches, making dinner on a regular basis and being the mom and wife I have wanted to be. And it just keeps getting better as I realize that I am able to do more and stretch my wings again.
Now, many might be thinking, if you have even reached this far in the post, why am I sharing such a personal thing? Because, I think there are a lot more people out there that have problems that may need help. Get the help you need because, it can get better. I just recently found out from Mike that he feels that when we were in Arizona and I wasn't getting any help that I was really depressed there too. I thought I was doing well there. And when I was going through the long haul on the second medicine, he just prayed that it wouldn't last forever. I am sure it was harder on him than I will ever know and vice versa, for very different reasons. But in the end, it has all been worth it. And Mike is glad I am back...badaboombadabing baby!
Life was hard. Maybe to others it wouldn't seem like it, but it was for me.
I have discovered that I suffer from depression...and it isn't going away. I also came to realize that in order for me to enjoy my family and life the way it was meant to be, I needed medicine. The process to find the right medicine isn't as easy as pulling a bottle of ibuprofen of the shelf and it taking care of your aches, guaranteed, to at least some level.
So, I used one for awhile, but it caused insomnia. Lack of sleep and laying awake while exhausted makes me irritable. Enough said.
Then I started in on another one, and boy could I sleep! I can't remember, but I wonder if it was around the time my dad passed away, because it took me a looooong time to realize that it wasn't just sadness about my dad passing away and my mom getting cancer. And I would have been sad and grieved, but with this medicine I was sleeping nearly every day in the middle of the day and wasn't able to take care of my family or be a part of their lives the way I wanted...oh yeah, wasn't that why I was on medicine in the first place? In many ways, it was worse than before the medicine. Recently I finally realized that I had A LOT of guilt about how that YEAR and a HALF that was lost out of my life. I think I was also finally able to own that feeling (even though I don't have to own the cause) and move on.
Finally in August I pulled myself back into my doctor's office and she tried again (and yes, I am getting a new doctor, but that is a different story). This time, bingo, it's working for me. I finally was getting dressed by a decent hour, making kids lunches, making dinner on a regular basis and being the mom and wife I have wanted to be. And it just keeps getting better as I realize that I am able to do more and stretch my wings again.
Now, many might be thinking, if you have even reached this far in the post, why am I sharing such a personal thing? Because, I think there are a lot more people out there that have problems that may need help. Get the help you need because, it can get better. I just recently found out from Mike that he feels that when we were in Arizona and I wasn't getting any help that I was really depressed there too. I thought I was doing well there. And when I was going through the long haul on the second medicine, he just prayed that it wouldn't last forever. I am sure it was harder on him than I will ever know and vice versa, for very different reasons. But in the end, it has all been worth it. And Mike is glad I am back...badaboombadabing baby!
5 comments:
Cherylann-
Thank you for sharing. Depression is an evil beast... It attacks, quietly, subtly, and seemingly often without explanation... Which just makes it harder to understand,recognize and deal with. Remember, do NOT judge yourself harshly or ever compare your life or challenges to others. We all have our own unique battles to win. Some are less visible, but that does not make them less challenging. I am sooo happy that you are getting the help you need to live happily and fully. (: Your openness to share will truly bless others! Many others are fighting their own battles and are afraid to ask for help. There are also so many people that truly don't understand how overwhelming depression can be (that it is more than a choice), and the only way to enlighten them is through greater awareness. I am so happy you have a great, loving husband that is helping you through!
Hugs Girl! I am glad to see you are back! (: Now post some pics of your cute kiddos! :p
Love to You! <3, Tamara
Thanks Tamara! And thank you for putting a bug in my head to do it again. Katie and Mike were excited that I was doing it again. I will definitely get some pictures for you soon! I need to recover my old computer as well so I can have all the stuff I am missing. Love you too!
Cherylann, Thank you for sharing this. I agree with you that even though it seems personal, others who are struggling (or know someone who is) need to understand that they aren't crazy and they can get help. And if the "help" isn't helping, to keep fighting until they find something that does!! I had post partum depression after Amy was born, and I learned a lot about myself. I have to watch myself pretty carefully because sometimes I see myself slipping into depressive thoughts or habits, and if I don't do anything about it then I can't function and do the things that I need (and want!) to do. And not to diminish any of the work that you did to get a handle on this, but I was touched what you said about Mike. I depend on Ernie to give me a reality check sometimes when I can't see it myself. I can't remember which book it was, but somewhere I read that is the paradox about mental illnesses, that your brain is not functioning the right way, but it is your brain that tries to interpret and process and make decisions. Thank goodness for loving, patient, understanding husbands!
So now that your mom lives with you I guess I can't count on a summertime beach visit. My kids still remember your kids even though it was only one day! We should get them together again sometime. Meaning WE should get together! :-) In the meantime, I'm glad you are blogging again!
I am sooo grateful for Mike! He has been loving and supportive.
We need to get together again! My kids remember that day as well. It is amazing how one day can be remembered by children. I still have siblings that live up there, so I am sure that I will be back at some point, but definitely not as often as before. Do you still have family out this direction? If you do we have to get together when you come out here too!
I'm so sad that you've struggled with depression. But I'm grateful you've found something that's helped. I've been through many different cycles of depression myself, and know what an emotional and physical toll it can take. When this pregnancy started I had no idea I would have a deep rooted onset of PTSD, due to my last c-section and failed spinal block. I was practically im-mobilized because of sleep deprivation, and horrible thoughts, etc. Luckily meds and blessings have helped. But looking back, I've been in a cloud for years, as I've fought chronic pain, and bedrest etc. I try to be positive, but that only holds up for so long, before things come crashing down again. I still get compliments ALL the time about how positive or cheerful I appear to be. But deep down, I'm not settled, and its a fight every day. I need my inner-bad-wolf to leave (so to speak). And can't wait to feel freedom. Pregnancy is hard and I hate always feeling like I'm in survival mode... so here's to hoping I will survive! LOL. I know I will... just anxious for it and all the medical problems to be banished, or lightened up to say the least.
Just know you are never alone. Have compassion on yourself and for others. Everyone silently suffers in many ways. You have a family who loves you so much and are very supportive! Having a loving husband makes a world of difference! (I know!) I'm glad things are brighter for you now. So enjoy it as much as you can!! Thank you for being so honest and willing to post a another tough one. We learn so much from you.
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