I liked the way it felt

Amazingly, enough time has passed that my oldest is going onto junior high next year.  I am refusing to let it freak me out that she is getting closer to that time when she will no longer be here at home or let it make me feel old.  Because I am not.  Mike will always be 8 years older than me, so I am not old.  

Katie brought a flier home a few months ago announcing that she wanted to take band next year.  Now, we did piano lessons before, and even though she had a lot of natural ability, they never lasted.  I was a little apprehensive at first, but she likes to get good grades so I figure that will help keep practicing going for at least a year.  Last week we had to go in for a meeting with the teacher and a little "interview" to determine what instrument she really would end up with.  As we started to go into the building I reminded her that whatever instrument she picks, she will be hauling it up and down the hill to the bus stop.  I believe in giving as much information as possible before, so there is less complaining later.  

Katie had already filled out an informational sheet stating which instruments she was interested.  At the time she had put trumpet and flute.  Well, she wasn't really thinking flute anymore and had added trombone (why we had the little reality check about hauling), but wanted to try out all three to see if she could actually produce a sound.  She was able to do all three, which I was impressed because I never could on my old roommate Maren's flute.  Thinking about the position you have to have your lips in makes my lips hurt.  I haven't even tried the other two.  

The teacher asked her which one she wanted to play, and she responded that she wanted to play the trombone.  He was pleased as there are usually never enough trombones in band.  I was a bit surprised, but my daughter has never been the traditional girly girl worrying about how something might make her look or what is traditionally thought as girly.  

When we got in the car to go home I asked her why she picked the trombone.  Katie responded that she loved the way it felt on her lips.  I laughed.  Of course!  I love my girl.  She has always been a very tactile person, wanting to touch things and see how they feel.  Apparently, she got that from her dad.  The flute definitely didn't do it for her, the trumpets mouth piece was good but a little to small, but the trombone, she could get her lips all the way in that thing and it felt great to her lips.  Starting in July at band camp, my Katie is a trombone player.  Go get 'em!

Why did we get such a big house again?

Every May, Mike and I usually head off to the happy land of National Boy Scout Meetings, somewhere in the United States.  Which means, since my kids are not yet to the legal age of watching themselves for a few days, we have someone take them or come and watch them for us.  Before we moved here we had to make plans to fly them back to California less than a month after landing in Utah.  They were scared to death of flying alone, but it was a great experience.  I have a wonderful Sister in Law and Brother that took care of them like their own children (but they didn't make them do as many chores, lucky kids.  I am not as nice...).  The next year they stayed with friends here and had a wonderful time.  We have been very blessed.

Last May, my Mom was able to come out again to help and visit for a month.  My cousin was getting married in the middle of June and instead of flying back and forth twice, she stayed.  It was so much fun! After all the years that I have lived far from home, having a visit for that length of time was a real treat for me and the family.  Mike and I were gone for the meeting the first week of her visit and then got to be with her the rest of the time.  

The first Monday that we were back Mike turned to me and said, "Your mom should just come and live with us."  Now, this was not completely out of the blue.  Before my dad passed away, we told her several times that if she ever wanted to come and live with us, we would love to have her here with us.  Now she isn't even 65 (for 1 more day), so she is not the age that most would probably consider doing such a thing.  However, she is legally blind and that means that she can see well enough to do things and get around, but she can't drive anymore.  In fact, she hasn't driven in over 12 years.  

Thursday night rolled around and, again, Mike said, "Your mom should really just come and live with us."  Again I told him, as I had on Monday, that when and if she was ready she would tell us.  

Friday morning, I was in the kitchen doing something and she came up to me and said slightly nervous and apprehensively, "I have something to tell you."  

Now, I have learned from my friend Jeralee, that because I am a people pleaser, I am always fearing that I am in trouble.  I have to get over that, because it is really annoying.  So, I rushed, "I know I could do better on my parenting,"  

She laughed and said, "No, that is not what I am talking to you about at all, and I think you are a great parent!"  (Well, now that you have said that, of COURSE I am!)  She paused and then said, "I think I am going to move in with you."  I think my response was of my mouth dropping open and then a shout of excitement and then she told me how she came to thinking about it.  She couldn't get the thought out of her mind all week as she was going to bed.  She went to sleep thinking about where she would put her stuff, where to move things.  She woke up thinking about it as well.  These thoughts had not been on her mind before she came and they were not invited there.  She felt a little perplexed by it all, probably especially since so many of her children and a sister lived in California.  I then told her that I could answer for Mike as well and that it could not have been coincidence that he said, not just once, but TWICE, how she should move in with us just that week.  We hadn't spoken about it for months before that.  

She still felt like she had to think and pray about it.  And by Sunday she felt like she had a confirmation with all of the thoughts and feelings that she had that she was supposed to come.  My mom really didn't understand completely why (I think she understands more now), but within four months she had moved in with us into our daylight windowed, walkout basement that she calls home.  She has two bedrooms, her own (much smaller than her old) bathroom, and a living room with a fireplace and a place for her huge office desk.  It was hard to leave kids and grand kids and her home and friends behind in California, but she has been amazing at reaching out and meeting people in our neighborhood and ward.  

Now we'll be "real" here for a short moment.  (And I hope my family does not think me ungrateful)  There have been a few bumps as the kids adjusted to another motherly figure around (back-up for mom! Woohoo!) and she has been so wonderful in trying to just remain grandmotherly (dang it, less back-up) when the law needs to be laid down.  But those things have been minor and, I think, mostly overcome and it has been a joy to have her here!  We laugh and talk a lot.  I have to fight her off in the kitchen to do dishes (I know, crazy, but I don't want to abuse the help).  It is just so nice, after all of these years, to have her close again (and no, not a little too close)  In some ways, that someday I may elaborate on, it has saved my relationship with my own daughter.  

So when we bought this huge house, almost a thousand square feet more than I had wanted and swore I would never have again, I couldn't understand why this house felt so right when we wasted so much of its space.  I spent a lot of time thinking about how we could use it better (rent it, adopt, foster, missionaries).  Why?  I love this house.  I love so many things about it.  But I just didn't understand, why this big?  All the pieces fell into place when my mom told me that she was going to move in with us.  In one moment, all of that space made sense.  And it is no longer wasted, it has purpose, and one of my best friends living there.

Depression...It's been...awhile.

So it has been awhile since I have blogged on this thing and I got a reminder from Tamara that it was about sweet time for me to update.  That was awhile ago, I know, but it has not left the little corner of my brain reminding me that I need to.  My kids have also missed seeing the updates and pictures and being able to go back and reminisce about the things that have made us laugh.  That truly is important in our lives.

Life was hard.  Maybe to others it wouldn't seem like it, but it was for me.

I have discovered that I suffer from depression...and it isn't going away.  I also came to realize that in order for me to enjoy my family and life the way it was meant to be, I needed medicine.  The process to find the right medicine isn't as easy as pulling a bottle of ibuprofen of the shelf and it taking care of your aches, guaranteed, to at least some level.

So, I used one for awhile, but it caused insomnia.  Lack of sleep and laying awake while exhausted makes me irritable.  Enough said.

Then I started in on another one, and boy could I sleep!  I can't remember, but I wonder if it was around the time my dad passed away, because it took me a looooong time to realize that it wasn't just sadness about my dad passing away and my mom getting cancer.  And I would have been sad and grieved, but with this medicine I was sleeping nearly every day in the middle of the day and wasn't able to take care of my family or be a part of their lives the way I wanted...oh yeah, wasn't that why I was on medicine in the first place?  In many ways, it was worse than before the medicine.  Recently I finally realized that I had A LOT of guilt about how that YEAR and a HALF that was lost out of my life.  I think I was also finally able to own that feeling (even though I don't have to own the cause) and move on.

Finally in August I pulled myself back into my doctor's office and she tried again (and yes, I am getting a new doctor, but that is a different story).  This time, bingo, it's working for me.  I finally was getting dressed by a decent hour, making kids lunches, making dinner on a regular basis and being the mom and wife I have wanted to be.  And it just keeps getting better as I realize that I am able to do more and stretch my wings again.

Now, many might be thinking, if you have even reached this far in the post, why am I sharing such a personal thing?  Because, I think there are a lot more people out there that have problems that may need help.  Get the help you need because, it can get better.  I just recently found out from Mike that he feels that when we were in Arizona and I wasn't getting any help that I was really depressed there too.  I thought I was doing well there.  And when I was going through the long haul on the second medicine, he just prayed that it wouldn't last forever.  I am sure it was harder on him than I will ever know and vice versa, for very different reasons.  But in the end, it has all been worth it.  And Mike is glad I am back...badaboombadabing baby!